Ideas + Insights
July 30, 2018
If your name is Kanye West or Tony Robbins you probably don’t need to be reading this article, (but thank you for subscribing to my blog anyways, I’m truly honoured but puh-lease, the last thing you guys need is more confidence).
If you aren’t Kanye or Tony, then this post is for you. And, for me, if I’m really honest with you.
It’s been a weird week. I think I’m going to blame it on pregnancy hormones or this full moon eclipse, or the combination of the two!
I’ve been feeling a bit out of character. Not, in the sell-everything-I-own-on-eBay and move to Greenland kinda way, just in the ‘something’s odd and I can’t quite put my finger on it’ kinda way.
It’s more just like someone scooped out a little spoonful from my self-confidence jar whilst I wasn’t looking and left me feeling just a tiny bit deflated and doubtful.
The thing is, we live in a world that is designed to make us feel uneasy about ourselves a lot of the time, (ahem, Instagram I’m looking at you). We’re reminded multiple times a day that we’re not smart enough, not rich enough, not beautiful enough, not achieving enough, not #goals, #extra or double tapped enough.
And I think this last week, I’ve been listening to the world and that pesky little voice inside my head a little too much. It happens to all of us, most likely even Kanye and Tony… once every few years I’m sure.
Recently, a new buzzword appeared on the scene that made everybody cringe but also bonded us together in wholehearted ‘yes-ness’: imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome refers to the feelings of inadequacy that lurk our thoughts with self-doubt and persist despite evidence of our success and adequacy. I know you know the feels.
It might speak to you just as you’re about to have an important conversation. It might wake you in the middle of the night to tell you how lame you really are. It might surprise you when you’re stuck in traffic with backhanded compliments about your new job title that you clearly don’t deserve. It might slap you across the face in the middle of a meeting. It might spring on you when you’re minding your own g-damn business. Maybe in a couple of minutes from now, when you return back to your inbox and notice an email from someone asking something of you, you read it, the pit of your stomach zings with anxiety, and you know that whatever this task is, you’re the last person in the room capable of doing it.
Imposter syndrome is a real bitch.
We all know that it’s a bitch and that it’s purely a figure of our imaginations, and yet we all struggle to free ourselves of it and get on with being the best boss/designer/partner/writer/editor/backgammon player we can. We all know that confidence plays a huge role in success, but how exactly do we foster enough of it to get through and show the world how capable we really are?
I’ve written about looking like a pro, even when you’re not before, but I’m about to drop my fave ten tips to cultivating confidence so y’all can get a little Kanye in your step.
(I’m well aware that the above phrase conjures up images of Tony Robbins fist pumping and yelling positive affirmations at an audience of thousands, but I’m going with it anyways.)
So much of life creeps up on you without you noticing. If you’re not paying attention and taking control of your destiny, life can take over and lead you on a journey you’re not entirely comfortable with or excited by. One day, you’re a well-paid, sassy marketing manager at the hippest farrshion label around, and the next you’re the 3IC at your local Video-Ezy. Which is actually still a thing by the way.
Life happens when you least expect it. By staying in control of your destiny, you remain in the driver’s seat, making informed decisions about the direction you wish to go and therefore in control of what fills your happiness and confidence buckets each and every day.
There will always be people in the world who think you’re not the bees knees. And if there’s not, there’s always your imposter syndrome to fill that void. If I don’t keep my I.S in check she can make my confidence levels drop like a fat kid on a see-saw. But I do my best to not let her get me down, instead I use the negative criticism (whether from others, or myself), as kindling for my inner fire. Whenever I feel a sense of inadequacy or doubt creep in from negative feedback or self-criticism, I do my very best to convert that into energy to prove the theory wrong. If you tell me I suck at making my bed, you better believe that the next day I will have watched at least 20 YouTube videos on the perfect pillow plump and will have nailed my 5* hotel corners before the sun’s even up.
It’s a simple equation really – get good at things, feel good about things. Confidence is built on accomplishment. My confidence in my own abilities comes from practice, persistence and hard-bloody-work, not sitting there chanting positive affirmations and cleansing my chakras. If you’re working in a field that accentuates your skills and you work hard, soon enough you’re bound to become reasonably good at it. It sounds pretty straightforward, right?! But I get it, sometimes even the path that we were unmistakably destined for can scare the bejeebers out of us. Just remember, every single wildly successful person has been afraid, and they’ve kept working anyway. As our old buddy Tony would say, feel the fear and do it anyways.
There are entrepreneurs and there are accidental entrepreneurs. I’m part of the latter. I ‘fell’ into this world and whilst I’m certainly grateful I did, falling into my career means that I’ve had to deal with a lot of self-doubt around deserving what this position entails. Because of my far-from-traditional career trajectory, it’s easy for me to cast the word ‘lucky’ as a blanket cover for all that I have achieved, “Oh, I was just lucky. In the right place at the right time, rah, rah, rah.”
But what I’ve learnt, is that calling yourself lucky strips you of your worthiness, and therefore your confidence. Why? Because luck is synonymous with randomness. To label yourself or your achievements as ‘lucky’ is to deny the impact of your hard work, persistence and skills. I’m a big believer in the fact that we all create our own luck and that nothing on our journey is an accident. Jamila Rivzi’s book, Not Just Lucky is a brilliant read for anyone struggling with this.
One of the keys to confidence is being happy with where you’re at, regardless of where you’re at. The older I get, the more I learn that there will always be work to be done and things I could do better. My businesses are still very much full of rough edges and dark corners that wake me up at ungodly hours of the night. There are still, and always will be, plenty of mess and mistakes. There are F-ups and days where I wonder if I’d be better to flush the whole thing down the drain, spruce up my CV and log on to Seek. Most of my daily work is not glamorous, it’s not easy and most of the time I’m just Googling the answer to simple business equations how like to balance my income with my expenses. But I’ve learnt to look at the bright spots, the daily wins and the achievements. I accept the bad and celebrate the good, with this comes a sense of ease and confidence in the things that you are doing well.
One the easiest ways to cultivate confidence is to outsource it! Surround yourself with people who are more supportive than your bestie after 5 rosés and a shot of tequila (baaaabe, you look grrreaaaat!). Confidence comes with having a support crew who celebrate your wins and remind you of your achievements every day. My team, my friends, my family and my dog (in her own special way) are my biggest fans and greatest groupies. And of course my partner, he’s my emotional rock and loyal cheerleader through thick and thin, and probably the reason I’m still in business.
When it comes to life admin I am an imbecile. Seriously, an imbecile. Oh sure I can conjure up an outlandish creative concept at the drop of a hat, describe with the most sincere adjectives what my morning smoothie tasted like, colour coordinate my wardrobe better than Marie Kondo herself, or brew the most perfectly delicious, day-changing chai – but put me in a room and ask me to renew my rego or consolidate my super and I’m Screwed with a capital S. By sticking to your strengths you’re bound to accomplish more, and by accomplishing more, you’re bound to feed the confidence appetite within.
A huge amount of self-doubt stems from us worrying about what other people may think of us. It’s like Judge Judy haunting us with a feedback loop of all these nasty comments people are saying about us, but aren’t actually saying, or even thinking. The problem with this is that it’s all make believe! Our ego likes to tell us that other people think about us more often than they actually do. Have a think about how many times a day you think about people who aren’t in your immediate circle of daily interactions. Like those old school friends, work acquaintances, and all those so-called ‘friends’ on Facebook. Unless they text you, call you or poke you on Facebook (is that still a thing?), I’ll bet my left kidney that you can go quite a few days without thinking of them. Now consider how often people are thinking about you. Pretty much never. Isn’t that the most liberating feeling?
I’m one of those people who finds making decisions really easy. I’ll go out for lunch with friends and whilst they’re to-ing and fro-ing between menu items for a cool 40 minutes, I’ll have planned out the next 20 years of my life… I made my lunch decision before I walked in the door. One the best ways to build your confidence is to wear it like your favourite sweater. If you ooze confidence then eventually, by osmosis, you’ll end up being more confident – it’s the fake it til you make it theory, and it has power! Next time you make a decision, don’t question yourself, just stick to it and watch your whole energy shift.
At a certain point in your life, you have to decide to like yourself. Yeah, I know – shock horror, how-the-F-am-I-EVER-going-to-do-that?! But it’s true. Most of us, if we’re lucky, get to spend many years alive on this earth… with the company of one person – ourselves. If you spend your entire lifetime disliking yourself, that’s a long bloody time wound up with someone disliking you. Get comfy with yourself, present your real self, full strength and just simply own it. You will never find killer confidence living in someone else’s shoes.
Image credit: Kelsey McClellan
All the feels!!!! Your writing is so relatable AND hilarious. Thank you for sharing.